I started this online journal sometime last year. This thing for me was a means for keeping track of what was going on at any given time in this ministry that God has most definitely blessed us with. Looking back, it lets me do several things. It gives me a way of going back and seeing what changes have taken place in His ministry. It also lets me see what may have been happening at any given time within our downtown activities. But I'd venture to guess the most important thing for me is it simply gives me an outlet to express some thoughts and ideas, some good…some maybe not so good. It really was meant to be a personal journal of my own journey. I try to think of a few things that happen each Sunday and then pray and ask God to give me the words to express my thoughts in a way that would be pleasing to Him. The problem? They've not always been pleasing to others. I'll get to that more later.
The thing is, for me anyway, is that none of this is about me…or us. I try my hardest not to make it about me. Or us. I told Robin last night I wish we could have gone down the first day with one of those goofy wrestling masks. That way no one would even know who we were. I know that sounds totally ridiculous and I'm really only being facetious. But it's clearly not about us. It's about Him. It's about His Glory. His Greatness. I talked to a fellow last Sunday who comes to our Tuesday Bible study. He came down after attending church last week. It was his first visit to our corner. And his response, after standing back and taking it all in, was something along the following lines. "Man, you guys have really blown this thing out". My response? Man, we've done nothing. He has really blown it out. All we've done is what He asks us all to do. Something. In His name. For His Glory. Another comment he made was along the lines of how difficult it would be to walk away from these Sunday happenings without being a little puffed up and beating his chest just a little. And he has a point. But you see, it's not about us. Never has been. Never will be. It's all about giving God the praise and glory He so richly deserves. Not about us.
Id' like to make this a little personal this week. I mean it's always somewhat personal, but this week, I'd like to attempt to go a little deeper yet. The past few months and even the last year or so have been a real struggle in some ways. But the last couple of weeks have been a real struggle for me personally. It's not like I won't get through my issues, but I've really been feeling some pressure lately and it is a real struggle to not think about it daily, if not hourly. It has to do with personal relationships and such. And how do we, as humans, allow them to go so terribly wrong sometimes. I guess this is my attempt to add a little clarity to some of my thoughts and feelings of the past year or so, if that is at all possible. Over the course of the past year, I've mentioned things in my blogs that may have challenged or offended people close to me. I can say this up front. Never, and I mean never, have I ever attempted to point at someone and say mean or ugly things. These blogs are simply a collection of my thoughts, placed in a public forum obviously, but the real intent has been to sit down, pray about where God is leading me, and then simply put my thoughts down on paper. Or electronic paper, so to speak. While I may have, at times, been somewhat defensive or come across as irritated, I've never intended to be malicious. I've never intended to be angry. I've never intended to hurt anyone or mislead anyone. I really just wanted an outlet to share the wonderfully amazing things God is doing in my family's lives and in this ministry. However, when the "adversarial one" sees good things happening in His name, he tends to want to get involved, if you know what I mean. And unfortunately, I have a tendency to mess things up. Why does it have to be so stinking complicated at times? All I really want to do is stand on the rooftops of downtown Omaha buildings and tell everyone who will listen what great people we have the opportunity to serve each and every week. I want to tell of the relationships that we have begun to develop with some really great people that tend to get marginalized in lots of cases. I've wanted to share with those closest to us and anyone else who will listen, what a great and awesome God we serve and what great and amazing things He's doing in my life, my family's lives and the lives of those around me. That's all. It's really as simple as that. It really is. One problem with an outlet like this can be the fact that inflection and intention can be misunderstood at times. It's quite hard to express different emotions and it's quite easy to read a few lines and get an entirely different meaning. It also easy to write something that may hurt someone. And once it's done, you can't take it back. I guess it speaks to the old cliché about the written word cutting like a knife. Once the knife is inserted and the cut is made, well…
One thing I've learned is that it's been very therapeutic for me to do this on a weekly basis. I honestly can go back and read some of these on occasion and see God's words. Not mine. So from that aspect, it is good. And I can see where maybe I mentioned an individual and maybe see where that specific individual is now. Or see how much change has happened in certain aspects of this wonderful ministry that God has so blatantly placed in our laps. For instance, we have over 40 people helping on a regular basis now. 40! We needed 'em. God sent 'em. From all different aspects of our lives. From my workplace. From home school groups. From a college class. From my family. From wherever. It is amazing to me to see God work in this ministry and my blogs are simply meant to be an outlet to let others know just how great He's been in this thing. And for me, this is new ground all around. If you'd told me a few years ago that we'd be doing something like this, and I'd be all in, I'd have told you that you were crazy. Absolutley, out of your mind, going over the edge crazy. Something like this is entirely too far out of my comfort zone. But I realized it's not about my comfort. Not about my anything. Not about me. And He certainly has a way of directing our journeys if we let Him.
I guess I say all of this to say the following. If I've offended anyone over the course of the last year, and I know I have, you have my deepest and sincerest apologies. From the bottom of my heart. I say it publicly because this is where it is. I ask for forgiveness and ask that you keep us in your prayers. We Laneys are in uncharted waters, from many standpoints. We've simply tried to go where the Lord is leading us. And he is clearly leading, because there is no way this could be happening on a weekly basis without His guidance. Have we made mistakes? Unfortunately, yes. Will w make more? Unfortunately, yes. We are only human. But I cannot remember the last time I set out to intentionally hurt someone. I've certainly experienced feelings towards those I love. But I'd never go out of my way to hurt anyone. And I realize these are just words. But they are my words from deep within after prayerful consideration. I've really been searching for answers lately. I have lots of questions and the answers aren't as free flowing as I'd maybe like. I guess we've all been there. It's been a journey. It'll continue to be so. That much I'm sure of. But if I'm honest and if I'm really following what I believe to be the Lord's calling for us, then we, as a family, have to continue on. Have to.
I could go on...I won't.
I'm sorry. And I ask for your prayers and forgiveness. Guess I sort of did make it about me/us after all…
I took my troubles to the Lord;
I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer.
Psalm 120:1
The thing is, for me anyway, is that none of this is about me…or us. I try my hardest not to make it about me. Or us. I told Robin last night I wish we could have gone down the first day with one of those goofy wrestling masks. That way no one would even know who we were. I know that sounds totally ridiculous and I'm really only being facetious. But it's clearly not about us. It's about Him. It's about His Glory. His Greatness. I talked to a fellow last Sunday who comes to our Tuesday Bible study. He came down after attending church last week. It was his first visit to our corner. And his response, after standing back and taking it all in, was something along the following lines. "Man, you guys have really blown this thing out". My response? Man, we've done nothing. He has really blown it out. All we've done is what He asks us all to do. Something. In His name. For His Glory. Another comment he made was along the lines of how difficult it would be to walk away from these Sunday happenings without being a little puffed up and beating his chest just a little. And he has a point. But you see, it's not about us. Never has been. Never will be. It's all about giving God the praise and glory He so richly deserves. Not about us.
Id' like to make this a little personal this week. I mean it's always somewhat personal, but this week, I'd like to attempt to go a little deeper yet. The past few months and even the last year or so have been a real struggle in some ways. But the last couple of weeks have been a real struggle for me personally. It's not like I won't get through my issues, but I've really been feeling some pressure lately and it is a real struggle to not think about it daily, if not hourly. It has to do with personal relationships and such. And how do we, as humans, allow them to go so terribly wrong sometimes. I guess this is my attempt to add a little clarity to some of my thoughts and feelings of the past year or so, if that is at all possible. Over the course of the past year, I've mentioned things in my blogs that may have challenged or offended people close to me. I can say this up front. Never, and I mean never, have I ever attempted to point at someone and say mean or ugly things. These blogs are simply a collection of my thoughts, placed in a public forum obviously, but the real intent has been to sit down, pray about where God is leading me, and then simply put my thoughts down on paper. Or electronic paper, so to speak. While I may have, at times, been somewhat defensive or come across as irritated, I've never intended to be malicious. I've never intended to be angry. I've never intended to hurt anyone or mislead anyone. I really just wanted an outlet to share the wonderfully amazing things God is doing in my family's lives and in this ministry. However, when the "adversarial one" sees good things happening in His name, he tends to want to get involved, if you know what I mean. And unfortunately, I have a tendency to mess things up. Why does it have to be so stinking complicated at times? All I really want to do is stand on the rooftops of downtown Omaha buildings and tell everyone who will listen what great people we have the opportunity to serve each and every week. I want to tell of the relationships that we have begun to develop with some really great people that tend to get marginalized in lots of cases. I've wanted to share with those closest to us and anyone else who will listen, what a great and awesome God we serve and what great and amazing things He's doing in my life, my family's lives and the lives of those around me. That's all. It's really as simple as that. It really is. One problem with an outlet like this can be the fact that inflection and intention can be misunderstood at times. It's quite hard to express different emotions and it's quite easy to read a few lines and get an entirely different meaning. It also easy to write something that may hurt someone. And once it's done, you can't take it back. I guess it speaks to the old cliché about the written word cutting like a knife. Once the knife is inserted and the cut is made, well…
One thing I've learned is that it's been very therapeutic for me to do this on a weekly basis. I honestly can go back and read some of these on occasion and see God's words. Not mine. So from that aspect, it is good. And I can see where maybe I mentioned an individual and maybe see where that specific individual is now. Or see how much change has happened in certain aspects of this wonderful ministry that God has so blatantly placed in our laps. For instance, we have over 40 people helping on a regular basis now. 40! We needed 'em. God sent 'em. From all different aspects of our lives. From my workplace. From home school groups. From a college class. From my family. From wherever. It is amazing to me to see God work in this ministry and my blogs are simply meant to be an outlet to let others know just how great He's been in this thing. And for me, this is new ground all around. If you'd told me a few years ago that we'd be doing something like this, and I'd be all in, I'd have told you that you were crazy. Absolutley, out of your mind, going over the edge crazy. Something like this is entirely too far out of my comfort zone. But I realized it's not about my comfort. Not about my anything. Not about me. And He certainly has a way of directing our journeys if we let Him.
I guess I say all of this to say the following. If I've offended anyone over the course of the last year, and I know I have, you have my deepest and sincerest apologies. From the bottom of my heart. I say it publicly because this is where it is. I ask for forgiveness and ask that you keep us in your prayers. We Laneys are in uncharted waters, from many standpoints. We've simply tried to go where the Lord is leading us. And he is clearly leading, because there is no way this could be happening on a weekly basis without His guidance. Have we made mistakes? Unfortunately, yes. Will w make more? Unfortunately, yes. We are only human. But I cannot remember the last time I set out to intentionally hurt someone. I've certainly experienced feelings towards those I love. But I'd never go out of my way to hurt anyone. And I realize these are just words. But they are my words from deep within after prayerful consideration. I've really been searching for answers lately. I have lots of questions and the answers aren't as free flowing as I'd maybe like. I guess we've all been there. It's been a journey. It'll continue to be so. That much I'm sure of. But if I'm honest and if I'm really following what I believe to be the Lord's calling for us, then we, as a family, have to continue on. Have to.
I could go on...I won't.
I'm sorry. And I ask for your prayers and forgiveness. Guess I sort of did make it about me/us after all…
I took my troubles to the Lord;
I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer.
Psalm 120:1
Peace and have a great and blessed week.
..."it matters to that one"... :)
2 comments:
Thanks for showing us your heart online. It is easy to be misunderstood when people cannot see your face or your body language while you speak!
However, I also think that sometimes we need to be told difficult things. I just returned from a youth ministry conference and had the opportunity to hear Shane Claiborne speak. (If you don't know him, he is living in a "bad part" of downtown Philadelphia, ministering to the marginalized folks there.)
He talks about how sometimes Jesus spoke things in love, and other times he flipped some tables over.
But always with love.
thank you for showing your love to those who may have misunderstood.
Grace and peace.
Franklin Wood
If there is one price to be paid as leaders, it is the price of being misunderstood. The fact of the matter is, if everyone around us saw what we saw and acted as we acted, there would be no need for leadership. When people see you moving in radical ways that are convicting to them personally (because they can't get away from the commands of Christ to serve the poor) it is convicting to the point where they have to repent and do something about it personally OR they take the easy road of trying to tear the leader down. I have been through it 100 times. It never gets easier, in fact it may get harder. It is hard because I desperately want for others to get it. In all of it I remember that our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces that rule this world. Be encouraged... be bold... stay humble and NEVER BACK DOWN FROM YOUR CONVICTIONS THAT ARE ROOTED IN GOD'S SPIRIT'S LEADERSHIP IN YOUR LIFE!!!!
"The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made-I'm a disciple of His! I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I'm finished with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, depend on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor with power. That's what it means to be a disciple of Jesus"!! (A national pastor who was later martyred in Zimbabwe Africa).
Love loud... risk often,
david henderson
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